my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You ruined the universe
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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