My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
