The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
