____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
