Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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