i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
