Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
