Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
