Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo