hotel room ftw
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
