I'm going to jail i love you
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
