i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
