There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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