but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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