all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
