wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
