you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
