i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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