Need sex. Gaining weight.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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