I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
