Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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