The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
