So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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