cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
