So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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