When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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