When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
