and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
