You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
