nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
