Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
