I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I could fuck to npr.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
