I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
