I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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