First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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