I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
