just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
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God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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