Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Green mimosas i think yes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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