Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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