I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
