We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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