Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
