So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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