I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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