I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
