I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
