It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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