haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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