There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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