I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
