I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
