drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
