At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
