Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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