Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
