Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
