I'm drive I can fine osifer
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
