Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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