I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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