Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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