It's like God shit irony all over that family
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
